Awake

do you ever have those experiences where you ....realize every little mistake you made in your life. not only realize....but fear everything else you do afterwards ...fear every decision you make, fear every movement. you become caged in a prison of fear and anxiety.

lately i have been asking the wrong questions in life ....and they made me feel despair...they made me so despair that i fear killing myself. ...did i finally lose my mind....did i finally lose myself ,...

i feel like i want to sit in a corner of a closed room, and cover myself with a thick sheet and stay there for god knows how long.

i am not gonna lie to you, i love life....and i hate it. thats right ... i love it and i hate it. i love it because ....its just beautiful if you look at it from the right perspective. and i hate it because i really don't know one thing about it.

sometimes i imagine Davey Jones approaching me and saying his famous line "Do you fear death??!".

and then i would say..........nothing ....its that moment where i know i need to go to sleep ...

but running to my bed for refugee is not the right choice ....because i get haunted in my dreams by every mistake i made in my life .....and i see one mistake taking me to a brute suffering.

the other night i woke up, and i saw in my dreams one of those times where i treated someone wrong...very wrong .....and that mistake kills me because  first .....it was a long long time ago a decade or so ...and second: ....i can't even remember that person's name anymore ...and i don't know how to reach him by any mean ...just to say sorry ....

i learned it the hard way .....if you do something wrong and leave it behind ...it will make you suffer even if you die.....

i woke up and i just didn't know what to do ....i sat on my bed for quite a while and i couldn't think of way to ..repent....yes repent .

right now i feel like i am the most ignorant person on the planet ......i don't know anything anymore ...every sentence i start with "i don't know".

i need to talk to a Shaikh..........

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